5 Outfits that Just Scream "The Phases of the Moon are Effecting My Mental Health in Profoundly Negative Ways"

By Emma Katherine Shepherd

  

Did you forgot to take your meds? Are you just an inherently broken person? Is it an imbalance of the four bodily humors as theorized by Greek physician and philosopher Hippocrates: yellow bile, black bile, blood and phlegm? No! Surely, celestial activity is behind this sudden wave of dread. Either way, you feel absolutely miserable, and you’re about to make an Illini Alert-worthy public scene. But if listening to Lana Del Rey and skimming the assigned readings in high school English class taught you anything, it’s that there’s a hidden beauty in suffering. You just need a little help finding it. Oh, uh, well, quite a bit of help, actually.  How long has it been since you took those contact lenses out? 

1. It’s Not a Phase 

You are 100% sure that your life will suck from now on. You know this because it has sucked, and nothing good has ever happened to you. You look great, but you’re not trying too hard. Nobody needs to know that your entire ego depends on whether or not you are the best-dressed patron at this Target. 

2. Your Ivory Ella Sweatshirt from 2017 

Do you remember middle school? Of course you do. How could you ever forget, especially at a time like this? Relive the horrors of your worst days with this little blast from the past. 

You don’t even really care that much about elephants- in fact, you thought they were made up until you were 10. All you wanted to do was leap onto that bandwagon. But you jumped a little too late, and were exposed as a complete poser. Maybe you should have stuck to Hot Topic graphic tees and Bath and Body Works scent spray. 

3. ‘Grunge’ or ‘Goth’, or Something. Whatever the Kids Say These Days.  

Let’s go back to something a bit more subtle. It’s about expressing the delusions in a CHIC way, after all. This one has that aloof sort of charm that will leave everyone haunted and perplexed. It’s not desperate- after all, ripped clothes are in style- but if they look below the surface, they’ll realize that those shredded jeans are an allegory for your intense desire to escape the shackles of your mortal form. 

4. Your Mom’s Wedding Dress 

Okay- she might only wear college sweatshirts and paisley shawls now, but you’ve gotta admit, she really knew what she was doing when she chose this one. It’s been collecting dust in the closet for some time now, so you might as well use it to externalize your celestial agony. There’s something so ethereal about inhabiting a garment with so much significance, passed down through generations, the essence of a happy moment collected forever in its elaborate silken stitches- wait. Stop waxing poetic and start waxing your brows. Those things make you look like one of Picasso’s abstract self-portraits. 

1. Whatever Liza Hawke Had Going on Here 

Okay, yeah, technically not an outfit, so this might be cheating a little. But honestly? This look is an aesthetic trump card. You could be wearing one of those shirts with the periodic table on it, and you’d still be channeling manic-depressive pixie nightmare girl. After all- is it really fashion if people aren’t trying to call animal control?